Ortho nurses. Again.

I got floated up to, drum roll please, the ORTHOPAEDIC floor. Now, quick quiz for those who have known me for a long time.

1. What is my impression of Ortho nurses?
2. How much do I love ortho?

Easy quiz, I know. Just 2 questions. Well, the answer to both questions is "Tons." The first is literal. The second, sarcasm at it's best.

No offense to all you wonderful, lovely ortho nurses out there. I am "writhing on the floor" grateful for your services. You could not pay me enough to do the things you do!!!

It is so hard to be sympathetic to the guy who broke his leg playing football and can't reach his water or change the channel, and why don't we get ESPN in the hospital, and can you fluff my pillow and can I have another one cause 6 is not enough. It's hard to be sympathetic to the crazy 82 year old lady who fell and broke her hip because she was changing the lightbulb herself and keeps climbing out of bed and yelling cause her foley hurts (i bet it does if it's attached to the bed and you are trying to get across the room!) for the 20th time but we don't have the staffing for a sitter and frankly, she isn't confused, just extremely forgetful but soo, sooo sweet. It's hard to be sympathetic to the 47 year old hippie princess who still cannot believe we will not allow her to burn her insense and has what I like to call "feng-shui disorder" which compels her to call multiple times an hour so that we can put her tray table a half inch closer, and then the blinds more closed, no not that far closed, more open, no too far, not far enough, no, just, yeah, right there, and that magazine needs to be over there under that other book, turn it just a little more, and the cup needs to be a little closer, and the sheets are not hypoallergenic and can we turn the bed so it faces more to the east to let in the energy from the sun in the morning and auuuugggghhhhh!!!!!!

I'm not good at trivial. I am good at life and death! I am good at "yes, it does suck that you are stuck here in the hospital for your son's birthday," and "no, that isn't a good sign," and "i am sorry to hear that your brother just passed away, i am glad your wife can at least go to the funeral since you are stuck here," and "things will get better, but they will probably get worse first. we will be there every step of the way with you." I'm good at holding buckets while my patients vomit into them and then clean it out and wait with them with a cool washcloth for the nausea meds to finally work. I'm good at holding their hand or just listening to them cry after they hear that they relapsed. I'm good at cheering when their counts finally bump up from zero.

But enough seriousness.

I am on the Ortho floor.

It is worse than the last time with the elephants chasing after the naked man with pendulous, ahem, balls.

Okay, so we have a little of that still. We've got the crazy lady getting naked. We've got the young cocky guy who thinks this is a day spa. We've got it all.

And the new aspect to love about the ortho floor, is,............ drum roll again please,......

That new intoxicating stench of the nurses! That's right, they smell!
I don't know if it is from all the running around they do, or their cultural practices, but they stink! And not just one of them! It's horrible!!!

Most, or rather nearly all, the nurses on transplant are all so clean! So neat! So clean! We can't wear perfumes, but we don't stink! We believe in the power of deoderant! We believe in daily (or in some cases, twice a daily) showers. We encourage our patients to bathe regularly. We have them do mouth care 5 times a day! What is wrong with ortho?!?
I know my grandfather is just rolling at this post, and I deeply apologize to any ortho nurses out there. Please, please prove me wrong! But every time I am floated to an ortho floor, I am so grossed out! It makes me appreciate my floor sooooo much more! The charge nurse even apologized to me for sending me here. The few other nurses I encountered on my way over all scrunched up their faces and uttered some form of "ew!" when I mentioned where I was floating to.
Oh, I do hope I have not offended anyone.

It is good to be me since I have gotten my floating out of the way and it is someone else's turn next time.